The Depression Sessions

Some start at the crack of dawn

As soon as I awake

Others, even after a prayer

It’s unpredictable,

I feel like shit all the time

The more my life goes wrong,

The deeper, the longer the depression session

When I am stuck in bed

Dazed and confused

Those are the hardest sessions

Lasting for hours

Some last for days

My mom used to call them Pity Parties

In and out of my mind

Nothing feels right

Nothing brings comfort

Round and round, like teeth that grind

No real purpose

No real reason

I blindly live in and out of this season

With the daily juggling of the question

What will the obsession be today?

Will it be my hair, my weight, my finances,

Or my slowed gait?

Some days, suicide is a thought

Other days, resentment and questioning God

Losing my faith

Not seeing His mercy, nor His grace

Sometimes, even convincing myself that I am receiving His hate

Depression makes me question everything

Every situation

Every thought

It forces me to lose hope in good things and good people

Most days, I resign myself to this sad life

The depression sessions,

That's what I call them

Well, they feel normal in my life!

And I go with the flow

Happy days feel weird

As I wait for another vicious blow

Many days, I ask the questions

Is it me?

Is it my fate?

Is it my family curse?

Looking back, my mom was depressed

She never admitted it

She drank and ate to channel her pain

I saw it, but didn’t know how to define it

Now my kids see it in me

But I am determined to change the trajectory